Monday, September 2, 2013

Six Ways In Which Great Myths Goof Up (As evidenced by modern adaptations)

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1. Athena Pops Out of Zeus's Skull, Fully Formed

I'm not saying it's not a great idea. It's a brilliant idea. Any man's dream to create the perfect woman. The problem though, is Zeus is a complete idiot. A brute and an impulsive bastard who cares not a thing about his children. To say that his smaller than small brains composed a character such as Athena is ridiculous. The story goes that Zeus's big daddy swallowed up his three children, Poseidon, Hades and Zeus in that order. But it's probably the fact that Poseidon is big and burly or that Hades eats every crap that comes his way, that Zeus never made it past the food pipe. He ate his way out of his Titan dad and came out like a nice Titan-eating baby. Freed his brothers, who were of course, fucked up since birth 'coz their little brainless brother got the first dibs on outside world.

In Modern Adaptation

Problem now is, everybody knows Zeus is the big goof-up of nature. He has few, if any likable characteristics. So the myth makers decided to give him an important achievement. A mind-child. But then, Zeus's skull is so thick, Athena had to elbow-crack her way out of it. Thank you very much. Still great, symbolism wise. Like even dad's get hurt when babies are born types. But then, hello! She is fully formed! She is wiser than you. She makes you look like an idiot half the time, and a bastard, the rest. What makes you think You made her?
Naturally, without a mom, Athena thinks she owns the world. A true daddy's girl without the hero-worshipping nature of the his idiot sons.

On to the Real Story

Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Really Annabeth....*Rolls on floor laughing* You're screwed up, girlie girl! Annabeth Chase, Percy Jackson's girlfriend tells him she popped out of Athena's head the same way Athena popped out of Zeus's. Percy takes the information calmly.
Goes to his room.
Laughs his ass off.
End of story.


2. Achilles Gets Screwed by Mamma 'Coz She Wouldn't Let Go of His Damn Ankle In The Fun River Styx Dip

Achilles is a nice suckly baby. He had a great future, the stars said so, thankyou very much. But his mum foretold his doom and decided to do something about it. Enter River Styx. He's just a kid, he might have hardly even felt it. He went on to be this great warrior who everybody admired and wanted to be like. As did Prometheus, his boy love. Mamma warned him, being gay is an affront to his manliness. But the heart wants what it wants, so Achilles went for it. Prometheus died, trying to imitate him in battlefield and Achilles got a little confused.
Really, are you people nuts?! He's a boy. I'm a man. How can you confuse both of us just because we're in the same dress!

In Modern Adaptation

Naturally, some people believe that Achilles is a real guy. Sure, someone some place might have had the name. A similar background, same skills and mindset, same hunger for glory. But folks, the story doesn't make sense without the mythical elements. Give it up! It's not real.
Yes, I am talking about Troy. Homer, we love you man, but you should've explained a few things. Like, what the hell is an Achilles heel? People are going nuts about it. They just don't get it. They think they all have it. Heel, ball, same difference. Naturally, since Achilles is such a man, the makers of Troy gave him a lady love. He must have had one. It's attributed! He suddenly wants to protect women, instead of raping them. Or let them be raped, same difference. Then his real lover dies, and no one even knows about it! It's just not done to end a story gay.

On to The Real Story

Prometheus wakes up one day to realise Achilles is the real asshole, while he was only getting fucked there. But since he had always wanted to be Achilles, he took Achilles' asshole and wore it.
Got fucked for real. Like a man.
Thanks.

3. Ares and Aphrodite are the Real Soulmates

Yeah, yeah, no one says that aloud, but it's like - Duh! Aphrodite is an original character. Thank God, she wasn't puked out of skulls, guts or ungainly parts. Supposedly, she emerged out of sea foam during or at the end of Titan wars. Couldn't care less about it. She could've been Zeus's big mama if she wanted, but she just chose to have fun instead. Brutes are already around. Why go through the pain of giving birth to another one? So, I'm guessing timeline wise, Lady Love had been single for a long while...before Zeus got his act together, fucked Hera and gave birth to the most beautiful son ever in history of nature. Hephaestus.
At least, that was the plan. Again, I don't know who fucked Haphaestus's face, but no prizes for guessing it's big daddy. He supposedly threw the baby boy out of Olympus - in the most literal sense you can imagine - and made him limp as well. *Claps proudly* So anyways, Aphrodite, despite her awesomeness has been invisible till now. Not an Olympian, no Goddess stature, nothing. Finds Hephaestus...and you know what women do when they are feeling ambitious.
They marry the loser.

In Modern Adaptation

I'm not sure if any of you guys ever watched this, but there was an equally loser show called The Valentines on some network nobody gave a shit about. It had this one guy I liked and he was Cupid. Mama's boy. *Love* The Valentines, namely Aphrodite's family lives in a modern setting and are naturally into the God business. Love and Joy business, even. They are poor because they are thrown out of Olympus, as nobody gives a shit about love these days. Never mind.
Anyways, Hephaestus is not as ugly in the show as he was supposed to be, and he only has a slight limp. Also, did I tell you he is the handyman? Ares and Aphrodite keep having their affair, and Hephaestus doesn't even bat an eyelid their way, until things get ugly on their own accord. Lady Love knows best.
She owns the house.

On to the Real Story

When Zeus and Hera finally managed to get their act straight, and Ares was born, Hephaestus climbed back up to Olympus and stole his balls, leaving only Mr.Dong behind.
And then Aphrodite married him despite being obviously better suited to Ares. I mean, really, people were blind at the time Greek civilization was taking root, in both myth and philosophy. Achilles will stand by me on this.
When the family planning time came and Hephaestus has laid out his daddy issues, Aphrodite said to him: Grow a pair. Naturally, Hephaestus, the handyman took this to be a engineering problem and designed a solution.
That's why Cupid has boobs.
You're welcome.

4. Rat is Chariot for Ganesha

This one is goofy to begin with, so I wouldn't go into much detail. (Honestly, I don't know the freaking detail of how it happened). But popular theory is (as voiced by my honest to god mind), Parvati devi made Ganesh out of her body scrub, so as not to waste it, most likely. You know the queens and kings of the old, and gods and goddesses who lived in the same style when they're not demanded on Earth. So I'm guessing that's a looot of wasted body scrub. Besan, multani mitti, sandalwood paste, milk, perfumes, whathaveyou. This kind of material is naturally attractive to Rato who you might have had occasion to meet by now. So I'm thinking (and this is just a fat obscene guess), Parvati devi thought she created a son 'coz she poured so much love into the dough. And then Rato ate off his head.

In Modern Adaptation

I can't think of any movies or stories that show this story with artistic tendencies. So, let's call it quits and take on the Ganesh Chaturthi for our example. It starts on his birthday right, the rasam? And goes on till ten, eleven days? Birthday boy was Pillsbury at the moment. Rato eats off head. Parvati devi shrieks and throws a major God tantrum to Shiva who was just....*Sorry, laughter incoming* Who was just checking out what's all the mess in front of his lady's bathhouse. She calls him all kinds of names thinking he decapitated the boy and demands a replacement head. Shiva is confused.
You lost your head? I thought so....but....
He does some magic and puts an elephant head on Pillsbury. Easypeasy. Ganesha goes boom boom once, checks his gears. Laughs out loud and everything. And then the rat comes....
You little scoundrel, get back here!!!
Ganesha runs off after Rato and everyone ends up thinking the Rat is his chariot. Heck, rats have some superpowers in the method of deception!

On to the Real Story

Shiva is still on guard. He's thinking he should do something nicer because Parvati obviously bought it, that Elephant boy is her real son. A tricky one, a runner, but still. So they have super hot sex and Kartikey is born.
And still Ganesha is running after the damn rat. Pause. Who's that guy?
Yo Kartikey! I got first dibs here. The boys are about to break into a fight, so the parents arrange it in such a way that it's a competition. With real prizes and everything. Whoever can circle the world and come back here first, wins!
Naturally, Kartikey, who thinks he's the first born (which by all rights, he should be), goes on to prove who'se the man! Takes off on whatever ride is available. Whatever it is, he figured it would be faster than a rat!
Faster, maybe.
Not smarter.
Our Rato mystery unravels here, when Rato smells his way back to the couple's household. I mean, he's been all over the world, but never found such tasty morsel that was Ganesha's head. By now, Ganesha, the little marvel that he is, figured out Rat is his friend. Besides, he had to give little bro a headstart. So he took a few last leaps with Rato to finish whatever journey the big man has been up to. Rato pokes his nose around around the dainty couple, standing like statues as they were refereeing and all and does a full circle, with Ganesha right behind him.
Win!
Game over Kartikey.
Kartikey: What....? I was just at Antarctica. Cool stuff!
Parents: Get back home, dumbo.
Kartikey: *pouts like the devil* and runs back up to heaven.
Begin Round 2

4. Luv and Kush are Rama's Kids

Yeah, I know you're ready to thrash me all the hell by now, but seriously. There's a huge conspiracy out there. Ravan and Sita had an affair. Laundryman said so!
Heck, even Ashok Banker, the forerunner of Indian Myth-Fiction genre who created the most loyal retelling of Rama's story so far couldn't get over the idea. Take my word for it, and read only until Book 6. Until King and Queen return home.
In Modern Adaptation
It's a more fetching tale than Ganesha's wonderfully weird one, so there are any number of adaptations of the whole tale. But because I'm such a sweetheart, I'll be choosing Mani Ratnam's Ravan to make my point.
Aishwarya, Abhishek.
Ram...What's the guy's name? He is Mani Ratnam's perfect guy, no doubt about it. He started his career with Bombay, in which he elopes with a muslim girl and has two kids. Ends up in a HUGE riot in Bombay at the climax. Makes a big speech and everything. I don't know what happens there, but if Dil Se is any conclusion to that story, I'm thinking it does not end well.
So, whatever our actor's name is, he is destined to play Ram. Law bearing officer. Respectable to the core. Fundamentally strong, positive, life-affirming. These guys are just made to be fucked in the end....

Naturally, towards the end of his days, all Ram wanted to know whether Luv and Kush are really his sons. He couldn't ask her! She'd just slap him like he'd never been slapped before. Destroy everything he stood for, with just one insult. Whatever that is. I'm thinking napumsak. Always liked that word. But of course, Sita maa would rather just die than say one thing about hubby dearest. His reputation is everything. Her honor be damned. That's how the writers invented this great going back to Mommy's womb theory. Came out of Earth's garbha, did she? An crack in it's thickness, just like Zeus's zombie skull. Let's put her back in there. It's a Happy Ending!!
Believe it little people! God's can do stuff like that. Be, Unbe. It's all the same. This is a nice story. Please, believe us.
And Ram commits suicide.
I'm sorry you guys, but there's no way to spin this thing. If she can do it, I can do it. Who cares where Luv and Kush came from? I came from heaven. She came from earth.
Back to places!
Luv and Kush told and retold and sung and hummed the Ramayana and no one ever knew what happened to them in the end. The story is the end.

On to the Real Story

Naturally, Aishwarya didn't have a thing for Abhishek. It's too stupid considering what she thought of her husband. A perfect man. Her knight in shining armour. He might take some time yet, but he'll come get her. There's no doubt about it. But just for the sake of curiousity, she wanted to figure Ravan out. What stuff he's made of. What's so great about him, if he actually has a Kingdom, while her hubby dearest is just an employee chosen by someone else to fill a role.  Eventually, maybe. When he's ready to be king. Not yet. Not just yet.
She hated him till the very end. And then Ram came. She scooted over to his side. Yay! Man is here! And then she turns around. Show off, that she is, at the bottom of her heart. See, stupido? This is the real deal. This is the Man I want. Like you could even compare. Duh!
Abhishek winks at her.
Ouch!
It's just one little wink, one tiny button in communication today, but it put a whole civilization in doubt. Until this day.
Until we can figure out, how to laugh it all off.
;)

6. Shiva has a Blue Throat

I mean, that's the one thing we know about him, right? Like, for real. It's his big achievement. The symbol of his mighty yogic victory of mind over matter, whathaveyou. The venom in his throat.
In Modern Adaptation
You knew this was coming, didn't you? Meluhans, get ready to LMAO like you've never done before. I don't even want to get into the whole cookup this author-I-cant-remember-of did in the name of the blue throat, but let's just say Neelkanth is Shiva's whole Identity in the entire series. A real bummer if you think about it, because Duh! Shiva is badass billy! Not some chump who drinks off Somras because he had a slight fever. The nectar of immortality, for crying out loud! Yo author man, you butchered the sweetness of venom man! Really, you are so thickheaded, you might as well make a Athena out of your monkey brain. Give that whole Zeus concept a once over.
And then, maybe you'll invent a theory for that too. Like Zeus actually drank the Titan's semen 'coz he didn't get mommy's milk. I mean, it's a possibility. Let's brainstorm or something. As in, I'll storm your mind and you can sink into the dark corner where you came from. Thanks!

On to the Real Story

So what actually happened, all these devas and asuras are churning the ocean of milk like it's nobody's business. Let's put the world in a little chaotic dance. Add some immortality to our miserable names. The main gods were watching and watching and watching and watching and naturally, they got super bored. The idiots just don't seem to get it. Nothing satisfied them until they got that damn nectar! Like in any good video game, before Level 15 was reached, the creators get their prize. Scratching heads. Thumping keyboard. Kicking the computer. Throwing it down the balcony. Goddammit!
Entertainment, for the writers who got that God complex on their ass.
But, if you know anything about writers, you know they are big time suckers for happy endings. They'll do anything to get there! So they took this age old character from the Harappan myths (most likely. Just a seal really, with a man in bhadrasan position) and introduced him to the whole chaos.
Lo! Meet the Destroyer. Kill them man, kill them all! Leave two or three at the end for us to deal with. We'll make sure the best man wins. But, of course, you're the dude. You're not even in the competition. Try and remember, if you don't mind.
No offense but.
But Shiva is a party freak at the heart of hearts. Heck, there is food. There is music. There are cows that moo and stuff, do a li'l jig! There are bad guys, there are good guys and all this cool stuff!!! So what's the big goof up, he turned and asked the writers.
And they're like: Duh!
War's about to break.
Shiva (Big Smirk): What for?
Dude! Are you serious?! They want the drink and they want it real bad. There's this whole political scenario about who's entitled to what...and ever since we started this video game, there is nothing but fighting! Control them! They're a bunch of goons!
Naturally, Shiva heard nothing of it, as he was stoned and all. Except for one thing.
Did you guys say drink?
Jumps into the damn whirlpool to win the contest and comes back with his prize! Damn, I'm awesome!
Bottom's up!
*Big universal scream*
Someone had to reach from underneath, put a wine cork in his food pipe, before the stuff reached his heart. That's the blue stuff.
He just managed one word after that.

Khan - from the epiglottis!

I'll take that round of applause now.

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2 comments:

  1. Interpretation...- a guy who is staring at other things. Doesn't pay much attention to what the girl is saying about herself.

    ReplyDelete

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